Bury the Pharaoh in his pyramid

My student visa finally expires today. So what am I suppose to do? Get kicked out from Australia? or hide in the bushing, living in a constant fear that the cops or worse rangers will come and track me down? Well, I will opt for the third choice, which allows me to stay in this beautiful place permanently! Yeah, permanent visa. DUH...... I am not a PR yet, I am holding a bridging visa for that!!!!! So I hope my bloody visa condition will change over the internet.

I guess I will always start something about myself before jumping into the pool of randomness. You might think that after such a hiatus, I might get a bloody job by now. However, the answer is the opposite. I am still writing my resumes, but I did not fish every single opportunity I can get. I am screening for jobs that I felt I am 'fit' to apply. No point to apply for jobs that they need any particular work experience which I do not have. Bad Idea? I don't know and don't care. Like I said before (if I am not mistaken), heaps of people have been telling me that I should do this and not that, while others went against that idea and suggesting the otherwise. I am just going to go my way. You don't like it? Too bad.

I just realised that I, being a normal human being, do have something that is regarded as bad, EGO. Everyone, especially the kings or pharaohs, has ego. Maybe the buddhist monk do not have, or they are not suppose to have. Don't tell me " I am a very innocent girl, that do not wish to have a lot of ego like what men do....". Bullshit! Even a girl have their own feminine ego. Ego is something dark, inaccessible part of our personal emotion, that we know very little off. Girls want to have all the branded stuffs because this makes them slightly feel better. In some sense, this can be regarded as ego.

I felt that I have ego because I was desperate to get a job, before I need to go back Malaysia to face a hordes of questioning-paracheets during my sister's wedding. I know for sure, Every Single Laughing Kookaburra Person will ask whether I have landed myself a job or not. The most common conversation will go like this:

Kookaburra A: Ah xiang ah. You have grown up so much. The last time I have seen you are when you were just a baby/little boy loh.
Mom: (She will definitely continue the conversation with something nice, while I just cant be bothered)
Kookaburra A: So what are you doing now ah? Studying university ah? Working ah?
Me: I just finished my degree from Australia.
Kookaburra B: Wah, so clever (ah, it is a must). So now working in Australia lah?

Yep, this is what I imagine what it is going to be....... So it is better to end the conversation by saying, "I am currently working in this or this place". That's why I hate going back to Malaysia. People keep on asking what are you currently doing, and amazed with just a tiny little thing that I felt normal. Of course, I like my hometown. But to go back to repeat myself about myself for hundred times is just not the top of my to-do-list.

So this is my little humble ego. What's yours? It is better to understand yourself and realise it, then you might live your life better than others who just lived their life in denial.

It is not an abandon puppy

I am suppose to write my cover letter for a job application to a research centre in Tasmania. I guess it will have to wait for awhile, after I finished writing this entry. Am I always nagging about job scouting these days? I think I better stop.....

I went back Gippsland last weekend with my few best friends, to meet up with a few more besties. That trip was the most relaxing and carefree trip I have ever done for the past few months. Yeah yeah, I just came back from my food-gorging trip from Penang, I shouldn't complain too much. But the thing about the food gorging trip is stressful in it own way. Stopping myself from devouring all the foods I can is very hard and stressful. Yes, I am bullshitting here!

Where was I? Oh, the trip back to Churchill. The weather was beautiful when we went back. Beautiful to some people, but way too hot for me.... I was down with weather-induced fever at the end of the day. Anyway, it was relaxing and all of us agreed that it felt like going back hometown for Chinese New Year. It was sunny and cloudless, just like the Malaysian weather during CNY. We had our doona and pillows at the back seat, something like most people will do when they went to visit their relatives for CNY, not me, but I can feel it.

But when we were back there, all we did most of the time was gossip, chat nonsense (which I played a big part) and watch PAID TV!!!! How much I missed cable/paid TV. For the first week of my new life without cable, I was pretty much stranded. Cause I do not have internet connection and paid Tv then, now it is getting better. I am going to fast-forward all the fun bits. Why? You probably won't be bothered to listen every single bit that we did over there. So no point for me to write them up.

When the day is about to end, we (the close one) sat together or standing in front of the toilet, chatting away on what are friends for. It was a long debate. People agreeing and disagreeing on certain aspect of true meaning of friends. I guess they are the best companions anyone can get, PROVIDED:

1. They do not judge you as a human being or a dog. Hey I am not saying anything over there. Who type that for me? I might have binomial disorder. Joking!
2. They understand what you are going through. No point telling them what turmoils you are facing through if they are well known for their blockhead-ness.
3. They do not think you belonged to them and solely them.
   
4. I think that's about it. No?
   

So other than that, man's best friends come into the picture perfectly! They enlighten your day easily unless they poo everywhere in the house, they listen and do not judge you. And you do not belong to them. They belong to you! How perfect can that be?

Disclaimer: The author was not paid by any parties (not even RSPCA) to advertise on canine and potentially igniting your urge to buy any canine.

A Bucket of Cold Water

Life in this phase of life is harsh.

You might be sad for a moment
Crushed for a moment
Lost for awhile
Happy and jumping the next.

I have been having nightmares these few days, some were terrific that I woke myself shouting, others were just too blue that I was crying in my dream. This is bad... Really bad.....

Maybe I should give myself a rest, someplace where I am not looking at the job advertisement website. Someplace where I can escape from all these mess. But I don't have money..... Where can I go to?

I just got an appointment for another interview today. This time is with the recruitment agency. My aunt was happy at first. But later on, when I wasn't noticing, she said something negative and somehow hurtful and something that reduced my confident tremendously. I don't understand why she wants to do that, some of the words she said were teachings but others were just a bucket of cold water.

Sometimes I wish I am staying on my own. Then I do not need to face these things all the time. But like I said, I do not have the money. I am totally down and not in the mood to apply for any jobs now. What is the use? I may ask. I need a change of luck.

I reckon I am no longer the happy self I once used to be. I need to find me back. The one who is happy not the stress-out guy who is typing this entry.

PS: Don't get me wrong. After what my aunt said, I will still go there and try to impress them so that they will give me a job even if they don't have one for me.

Reflex

Have you ever bid goodbye to someone but have some slightly more meaningful quotes like "Have a nice day" or "I hope you'll get well soon", something like that?

I can never do that or answer any of these questions. I am very bad with quick responses during conversation. I should say my responses are shocking. When I chat with some people who are kinda rushing to someplace or vise versa, I tend to blah out nonsense..... Instead of saying Sorry, I could say Thank You, or instead of saying You're alright, I could say I am sorry.

I think my brain is slightly slow in reaction for any of these quick activities. I can never think of anything good to say (sometimes), and when people wish me something well in the end, I will just throw in a worst ending phrase.

I just came out of the restaurant with my relatives, my uncle's cousin and the cousin's partner. We were all saying something in between and we bid each other farewell. Just before we went our own ways, this is what my uncle's cousin said to me.

S: I hope to see you next time, and hope that your PR application goes well.

What did I reply? I was slightly blurred for a second, and that's what I replied

Me: Will do.

Yes, this is all I replied. WILL DO? This is how well I react to quick conversation. I can never say anything good.

Of course when I banged to someone, I will know how to say sorry. Back to the conversation above, I was actually reacting to the first part of the conversation "Hope to see you next time", not the "PR application goes well". But I am sure I spoke loud enough for him to hear only "Will do". Then there are some things that I learned. I have a few tricks on my sleeve. Like "Sorry" and "It's alright" sounded almost the same if you speak in a very quick way.

So every time I banged to someone I will say "ssoh-rrai-". When people banged me, I will say "iss-soh-rait". Sounded almost the same huh?

From Scientist to Scientology

Finally I have all the time on my sleeve to play with my blog layout. I did not revamp the whole layout, just the front banner. Maybe I will change the banner again when I got the pictures of St. Kilda from Jocelyn. Yes, St. Kilda is my most favorite place to go. Well, I brought all my friends to that suburb and introduce them to the restaurant that I dear so much.

Back to my entry topic. Scientist and religion. Do they click together? Being a researcher myself, sometimes I wonder whether do God exist? Or they are just a mere figure of purity by mankind to fulfill their curiosity in all that seems dim to them?

The more I ventured into research, the more skeptical I am, maybe because I am curious most of the time. Don't get me wrong, I still believe in God. However being a Buddhist, I believe God is in everyone. To reach Buddhahood, one needs to follow what the script said, yada yada yada ( I am not preaching over here). There is once I heard the funniest conversation I ever heard, and I sure to God (If there is any), I really looked down on that person after that. This is how it goes:

A: Do you know why there is global warming?
B: No
A: There is Global Warming because "GOD" is testing us human.
B: Really?
A: Yes of course. God is testing the will of human and our faith in him.

Okay, I can't remember how it ends. But I was neither A or B. I was a mere lister and I was laughing my heart out (quietly, didn't want to offend A). How can God "torture" humanity with global warming? From science, it is HUMAN who made this mess, not God....... Please don't be offended if you see "GOD", the first thing you think is Jesus Christ. It is not, so you guys can stop writing on the comment firing offensive remarks on me.

I think I used to think there is a God, someone who looked after you when you sleep? Now? I don't really think so. I don't even know where is Heaven (almost all religions have a Heaven and Hell). Above the clouds are some layers of nothing but charges. Below the ground that you and me are standing are a few layers or thick rocks and magma.

But of course every religions are teaching us to be good and pure. Where is a religion that say hurting others are good? War is the way to reach purity? This is why I still believe in my religion. Of course I won't further believe that someone will be waken from dead or someone who can elevate yourself from ground. Give me a true documentary or I will have to see it in my own eyes to believe that these are true. Like I said, scientist and research are all based on facts, not sentences from any old book or conversation from someone.

Speaking of skeptical, I am very skeptic with the Church of Scientology. How can some none scientist come up with this hullabaloo teachings? Believing in alien exist in some form and have something to do with existance of human..... I wonder are there any scientist who is a follower of Scientology.

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disclaimer: This controversy entry is a two cent worth from the author. It is not trying to penalise or impose something unpleasent to any parties.

From Beggars to Choosers

Everyone will experience this phase of life. Where sometimes you feel like you are lost, could not find a way out in a crowded room or train carriages. You felt like you have lost the purpose of your life. But those who dwelt long enough in this realm, will soon realise it and start to accept it.

Yup, I am speaking of unemployment. This terminology is very misleading. So to be clear, the unemployment I said meant anyone who is no longer under the shadow of an university and those who has no permanent job. Yes, those who is under casual work and is currently looking for something better is also regarded as "unemployed". But of course those who are happily working casually or working casually because of the family purposes are not included.

Like I said, this phase is very stressful, even more so than when you are employed. People constantly asking you, scrutinizing you, on matters about jobs and employment. I reckon it is easier over here, where people are more understanding. I am not so sure when you are in countries like Malaysia, where people's wages are what set them apart from one another. Sometimes when you are that stressed out, one will turn against another cause lack of understanding. Thank god I have friends who understands and who were in this situation before/still. Yes, sadly most of my friends are in this situation like me.

Rejections after another, this is not depressing enough? But as quoted by someone, "sooner or later, you will be so thick-skinned that you won't give a damn on it anymore". "No more feeling!". I just came back from an interview for a part time job, somewhere in Mitcham. If I do get the job, it won't be something I will bounce like a monkey, doing monkey dance (if there is any). Cause first of all, it is 1 and half hour travel from my home to Mitcham. Secondly it is into strategic analysing and researching. Something that I am not particularly intrested in, although I have enough experiences. However, I will still take up the job. A job is still a job after all.

Then there is this phone call from a recruitment agency. Asking about my qualifications and experiences. All sounded very promising, but I am not very sure how still the pond water can be. There might be a croc hiding underneath. Why so? Storys about their arrangements and actions may not be that pleasant to hear. Suddenly I am no longer a begger? I started to choose. My aunt said I can be chooser because I have God with me, but, do I? (I will speak more about this the next entry). But am I a chooser after all? Of course, everyone will like to be a chooser than beggars, but how long can we choose before we need to beg?

How long do we need to hunt for this whitehorse before we could sit on its saddle comfortably? How long do we need to stand aimlessly in the hordes of people buzzing around Flinders Street Station? How long do we need to sit in front of our laptop, refreshing Seek.com.au for the immediate job vacancies? How long I wonder.