Emotionless Puppet

Sometimes I think this couldn't be any worst, and then I was bombarded by even more bad news. I reckon this is the lowest of low. I am sick again....... But this time I am able to walk around, just that I will be coughing and sneezing here and there.

For the past few days, everyone was having a bad time. Either they are sick, ended their relationship, lost their job (retrenchment because of the idiotic global financial crisis), still unemployed, broke because they need to buy heaps of pressie for their friends and family, etc etc. Well, what I want to discuss today is not about me, I know I have been very pessimistic, but I will try to lift myself out of this. So one of my friend, the cutest couple (so I thought) just broke up because of long distant relationship. *You know who you are, but don't need to show everyone okay? And stop patting on my head, I just wax-ed my hair*

For most people, the girl or the guy will be crying like there is no tomorrow, and the person who called it break, might end up in a hell a lot of trouble (I have seen a lot of drama relationship, kinda hated that). But this is a totally cool one. AMAZING! No drama, So different, So Cool. Hahaha. I am not sure whether each of them are bottling their emotion up, closing it tight with their imaginary bottle cap. When I was talking to them, they SOUNDED so normal.

Then, it makes me think. Of course I will put my two cents worth because this is my blog after all. I am not just going to announce this for no reason. Whether is this good? You felt sad, but on the surface you looked like a rhinoceros, steady and calm. Is this even any good if you run amok crying like a baby seeking for attentions and begging the person to take you back?

Sometimes, people in the public just want to see everyone smiling and happily making their way to the shop for more endless shopping extravaganza. But this is not the case, so I felt. Maybe not to everyone else on earth with a watery eyes, at least to people you are comfortable with. Personally, I will show my sadness to those who are close to me. Then to me, I am another step closer to them, and hopefully they will be the same too.

Having said that, I am (most of the time) a puppet. I am someone who will not tell everyone what I am feeling. I tends to smile which is the best device to hide my sorrow and trouble catastrophe to people I barely know. Cause to me they don't need to see this, it might just freak them out. I will only out my emotion to people I am close! Is this the apathy route of an adult?

No one want to be an emotionless puppet, and I am not comfortable with hyper-emotive puppets. What do you think?

I am not sure whether should I keep this blog name as "Live Your Life to the Fullest" cause I felt like I am not living it to the fullest now. Maybe I am, maybe I am not, I am confused. We will see! Only time will tell and mend this open-wound

It always end with a Fat Lady singing

I was extremely excited the past three days! Saturday was the Hair-Cut day which I have longed for awhile, and I was thinking that it could be my shopping day (after 2 months of no-shopping rules became effective). Sunday was Ammie's (my beloved Mother who give birth to me when she is only 1 years old) birthday outing and Today is my interview, which I was hoping to get through! Okay I am not going to tell you guys what happened over those three days, I am just writing this because I was excited.

As I was saying, when I was out Saturday there was actually the Christmas Parade going on along Bourke Street Mall. I wasn't very keen to look at people dress-up like clowns and bears waving at us with kids at every corner shrieking for them and begging their mom for them to hug those ugly-looking-bear-people..... The whole street was chock-a-block with peoples and crying babies...... I will never stand there any longer than 10 minutes. But then, it is when it hits me. Christmas (or Xmas, as we called it here, cause none of us really care it is a birth of JC, so maybe it is the birth of X!) is just around the corner. One year have passed so quickly and 2008 will be gone by the time I post this entry. So not true!

Since I am not a Christian/Catholic, Xmas doesn't really matters to me. For your information, people from Western countries don't celebrate Xmas like Asian do. No late night party during Xmas Eve or morning shopping on Xmas. Just to make this clear, cause every friend of mine will always say that it is so nice to spend Xmas in Melbourne. So not true. People just bloody go back to their home and eat dinner. It is bloody summer over here as well..... 45 degree days, so not prepared for that......

Here comes my main proposition. After Xmas? BOXING DAY!!!!!! Yes, it is not the day people box each other, but it is time for people like us to SHOP. OMG, I wonder whether someone will get an shopping orgasm from this? It is when price is Cut Cut Cut, clothes were Cheap Cheap Cheap, and, boys and girls are Hot Hot Hot!

Upon saying these few words, I really need to get a job. So I can Shop Shop Shop! Ending my long shopping hiatus....... This year I really need to improve my skills and start the celebration as early as possible. Though, I won't be there standing next to a triple size lady in front of the Myers Supermarket. No, neither will I be seen sleeping in front of that door the day before.

Besides, I am desperate to move out of my aunt's place. Alright, before people start shooting me saying it is Free Accommodation and Free Meals, I am someone who liked his Freedom A LOT. So I need money (that's the conclusion). And the solution? I need to get a job, OR, start working as a Rent Boy. I am not sure I can break through into that market, since every gay guys are hotter than I am........ And to become as hot as them, I need modal which I am currently short of........

Feeling a bit chatty tonight. No idea why......

Reflex

Have you ever bid goodbye to someone but have some slightly more meaningful quotes like "Have a nice day" or "I hope you'll get well soon", something like that?

I can never do that or answer any of these questions. I am very bad with quick responses during conversation. I should say my responses are shocking. When I chat with some people who are kinda rushing to someplace or vise versa, I tend to blah out nonsense..... Instead of saying Sorry, I could say Thank You, or instead of saying You're alright, I could say I am sorry.

I think my brain is slightly slow in reaction for any of these quick activities. I can never think of anything good to say (sometimes), and when people wish me something well in the end, I will just throw in a worst ending phrase.

I just came out of the restaurant with my relatives, my uncle's cousin and the cousin's partner. We were all saying something in between and we bid each other farewell. Just before we went our own ways, this is what my uncle's cousin said to me.

S: I hope to see you next time, and hope that your PR application goes well.

What did I reply? I was slightly blurred for a second, and that's what I replied

Me: Will do.

Yes, this is all I replied. WILL DO? This is how well I react to quick conversation. I can never say anything good.

Of course when I banged to someone, I will know how to say sorry. Back to the conversation above, I was actually reacting to the first part of the conversation "Hope to see you next time", not the "PR application goes well". But I am sure I spoke loud enough for him to hear only "Will do". Then there are some things that I learned. I have a few tricks on my sleeve. Like "Sorry" and "It's alright" sounded almost the same if you speak in a very quick way.

So every time I banged to someone I will say "ssoh-rrai-". When people banged me, I will say "iss-soh-rait". Sounded almost the same huh?

From Scientist to Scientology

Finally I have all the time on my sleeve to play with my blog layout. I did not revamp the whole layout, just the front banner. Maybe I will change the banner again when I got the pictures of St. Kilda from Jocelyn. Yes, St. Kilda is my most favorite place to go. Well, I brought all my friends to that suburb and introduce them to the restaurant that I dear so much.

Back to my entry topic. Scientist and religion. Do they click together? Being a researcher myself, sometimes I wonder whether do God exist? Or they are just a mere figure of purity by mankind to fulfill their curiosity in all that seems dim to them?

The more I ventured into research, the more skeptical I am, maybe because I am curious most of the time. Don't get me wrong, I still believe in God. However being a Buddhist, I believe God is in everyone. To reach Buddhahood, one needs to follow what the script said, yada yada yada ( I am not preaching over here). There is once I heard the funniest conversation I ever heard, and I sure to God (If there is any), I really looked down on that person after that. This is how it goes:

A: Do you know why there is global warming?
B: No
A: There is Global Warming because "GOD" is testing us human.
B: Really?
A: Yes of course. God is testing the will of human and our faith in him.

Okay, I can't remember how it ends. But I was neither A or B. I was a mere lister and I was laughing my heart out (quietly, didn't want to offend A). How can God "torture" humanity with global warming? From science, it is HUMAN who made this mess, not God....... Please don't be offended if you see "GOD", the first thing you think is Jesus Christ. It is not, so you guys can stop writing on the comment firing offensive remarks on me.

I think I used to think there is a God, someone who looked after you when you sleep? Now? I don't really think so. I don't even know where is Heaven (almost all religions have a Heaven and Hell). Above the clouds are some layers of nothing but charges. Below the ground that you and me are standing are a few layers or thick rocks and magma.

But of course every religions are teaching us to be good and pure. Where is a religion that say hurting others are good? War is the way to reach purity? This is why I still believe in my religion. Of course I won't further believe that someone will be waken from dead or someone who can elevate yourself from ground. Give me a true documentary or I will have to see it in my own eyes to believe that these are true. Like I said, scientist and research are all based on facts, not sentences from any old book or conversation from someone.

Speaking of skeptical, I am very skeptic with the Church of Scientology. How can some none scientist come up with this hullabaloo teachings? Believing in alien exist in some form and have something to do with existance of human..... I wonder are there any scientist who is a follower of Scientology.

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disclaimer: This controversy entry is a two cent worth from the author. It is not trying to penalise or impose something unpleasent to any parties.

From Beggars to Choosers

Everyone will experience this phase of life. Where sometimes you feel like you are lost, could not find a way out in a crowded room or train carriages. You felt like you have lost the purpose of your life. But those who dwelt long enough in this realm, will soon realise it and start to accept it.

Yup, I am speaking of unemployment. This terminology is very misleading. So to be clear, the unemployment I said meant anyone who is no longer under the shadow of an university and those who has no permanent job. Yes, those who is under casual work and is currently looking for something better is also regarded as "unemployed". But of course those who are happily working casually or working casually because of the family purposes are not included.

Like I said, this phase is very stressful, even more so than when you are employed. People constantly asking you, scrutinizing you, on matters about jobs and employment. I reckon it is easier over here, where people are more understanding. I am not so sure when you are in countries like Malaysia, where people's wages are what set them apart from one another. Sometimes when you are that stressed out, one will turn against another cause lack of understanding. Thank god I have friends who understands and who were in this situation before/still. Yes, sadly most of my friends are in this situation like me.

Rejections after another, this is not depressing enough? But as quoted by someone, "sooner or later, you will be so thick-skinned that you won't give a damn on it anymore". "No more feeling!". I just came back from an interview for a part time job, somewhere in Mitcham. If I do get the job, it won't be something I will bounce like a monkey, doing monkey dance (if there is any). Cause first of all, it is 1 and half hour travel from my home to Mitcham. Secondly it is into strategic analysing and researching. Something that I am not particularly intrested in, although I have enough experiences. However, I will still take up the job. A job is still a job after all.

Then there is this phone call from a recruitment agency. Asking about my qualifications and experiences. All sounded very promising, but I am not very sure how still the pond water can be. There might be a croc hiding underneath. Why so? Storys about their arrangements and actions may not be that pleasant to hear. Suddenly I am no longer a begger? I started to choose. My aunt said I can be chooser because I have God with me, but, do I? (I will speak more about this the next entry). But am I a chooser after all? Of course, everyone will like to be a chooser than beggars, but how long can we choose before we need to beg?

How long do we need to hunt for this whitehorse before we could sit on its saddle comfortably? How long do we need to stand aimlessly in the hordes of people buzzing around Flinders Street Station? How long do we need to sit in front of our laptop, refreshing Seek.com.au for the immediate job vacancies? How long I wonder.